peace and hope

Fresh Air!!!

2010-03-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was reading entries recently from my old blog, and I realized I need to switch up the theme of this blog a little bit and be more light-hearted. Obviously I don't blog much at all these days anymore, but I think it would be more fun if when I did I didn't make everything so serious! I guess that's kind of how my life has become as I've gotten older and I am just afraid if I don't loosen up now it's JUST GOING TO GET WORSE!!

I think some things I could do this week to bring back the old days are as follows:
-TP someone's house
-Play a game of spoons
-Ask my mom to do my laundry (joking)
-Get some Graeter's ice cream
-make a "movie" with Chelsea
-Read a Nancy Drew book
-Play pranks on my roommates

Ok so I actually it hasn't been that long since I've stopped doing all of these things and pretty much I still do some of them, but perhaps the long winter numbed my brain and I've forgotten how to be spontaneous, immature, and random. It does the body good!!

-

Wait

2009-11-17T06:36:00.000-08:00

It's been nearly a year since I last posted.

This past year has been full of activity: I have been blessed with countless ways to learn, serve, and build community. What a blessing to be able to do the things that I am passionate about, and I have been loving every minute of it.

But these last several months I have entered into a season of "waiting." When Christ spoke softly to me and said "wait" I didn't know what to do with myself. How does one wait?? And what exactly am I even waiting for? I wonder if it's harder for my generation to understand this concept. Everything is so available and it doesn't make sense anymore to wait.

I am learning how to depend on the Lord moment by moment. My thoughts can take me thousands of different directions each day. Waiting is a time when we can either run away to the Lord or to him. Waiting can be considered suffering, depending on the kind of waiting. Waiting for pain to go away is something nobody wants. But through suffering we can know Christ in a way that we've never known him. Recently I heard about a woman who, in her last months of her battle with cancer, cried out to Jesus and in fact she felt that He "plastered Himself" to her. She couldn't get away from Him. She couldn't stop feeling Him, couldn't stop talking about Him to everyone she knew.

Forty

2008-11-19T07:09:00.001-08:00

"Honestly, we don't really need your food, we just want your company."

-A friend who lives on the streets

I saw her reflection

2008-10-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

She is Yours
as am I
two worlds collide
one from a world of beauty and freedom
the other from a world of want

how did You plan for us to meet?
how did You set it upon my heart?
when did it begin?
You planted a seed in me
not realizing it's growth, until that day
when I saw her reflection with mine

privileged, I know
to be with one of Your precious ones
I felt it we smiled at each other
once a burden on my heart, now a friend
she is Yours
as am I

Denver

2008-06-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

Once again I am at another transition in my post-college life!

I have been living in Denver, Colorado for the summer, doing an internship at The Denver Rescue Mission. I, along with the other interns, are living among those coming out of homelessness in a transitional housing program.

I am seeing people with different eyes...."T" is a man that I might have seen on the streets a year ago. Even though I have made friends with the homeless in Columbus, I am realizing that I still put them in a different category than myself. But now that I eat dinner with "T" and sit and chat with him about sports or how my day was, I treat him differently than "the homeless." My heart breaks with the realization that my whole life I have looked at people through such human eyes and not through the eyes of Christ. "T" has taught me more than he realizes. In fact, I am realizing that these people I am living among have a stronger love for Christ than I perhaps ever will. And I am seeing them succeed and move towards new life. Such a visible, tangible, expression of the life that Christ offers all of us.

There are difficult things about my internship, like the realization that sitting at a desk all day maybe isn't my thing. And the frustrations in hearing stories of phone calls from those struggling and needing our assistance that for whatever reason we simply can't help. My heart hurts for them. Yet it's just another strong reminder that we are not in control, rather He is. The other day I went out with a co-worker to talk to those living in motels. We came to tell them of the Denver Rescue Mission and ways that we could help them. And when we offered prayer, not one turned it down. There is nothing like praying for a person. Lifting up one who is suffering to the Lord is far more of a gift than any material thing. I am thankful for that realization. I will never be able to do enough physically for someone, but if I fail to lift them up to the Lord, I have neglected to give them something far more precious.

Romania

2008-05-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

Dispatch Article

2008-02-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

I came across a link to this article tonight. Christ's love is a beautiful thing.

Humbling

2008-02-22T20:29:00.001-08:00

A couple of years ago, when I was living in Romania, I attended a cultural awareness seminar put on by a Romanian non-profit that was geared towards foreigners living/working/volunteering in Romania. I was cleaning out my room the other night and found some of my notes from the classes there. One thing that really impacted me was a session that was taught by Allan Taylor, a missionary from Austraila. He had conducted a survey and collected all the data and come up with some interesting results. Allan asked several Evangelical Romanians this question: "What have been some of the mistakes missionaries have made in the past 12 years, in your opinion?" The results were some very honest answers that really made me think. The list is long, but there are a few I wanted to share that really stuck out to me.

*"Coming with personal agendas rather than spiritual goals"
*"Not learning the language"
*"Either intentionally or unintentionally missionaries left us with the impression that Foreigners are superior to Romanians."
*"Exaggerating reports to back home leaving people with a wrong impression of the work here in Romania."
*"Coming with outside pressure to perform on the mission field, leading some missionaries to push things in the ministry and even become controlling. This just causes resentment and resistance."
*"Passing on materialistic values through the example of the missionary's own life."
*"Sensationalizing the ministry. Throwing bibles and other materials out to people in church while taking pictures of people scrambling to catch something."

Those were just a few. He also asked "What do you think the role of the missionary is in this country?"
*"To serve people like they keep saying they came to do." (I believe Robin and Josh are doing that)

I was really humbled by what I heard that day. And it really made me re-think a lot of my ideas about missions, especially short term missions. The term "missionary" shouldn't be a negative thing in Romania, or in any country, but the truth is that in some places there has been a lot of hurt and negativity associated with that label. I hope that as Christians we can take a hard look at the way we view and treat the rest of the world, and that a "missionary" can be defined as someone who seeks to love and give the hope of Christ....

our All

2008-02-10T21:19:00.000-08:00

"We need not fear that in seeking God only we may narrow our lives or restrict the motions of our expanding hearts. The opposite is true. We can well afford to make God our All, to concentrate, to sacrifice the many for the One. "

AW Tozer

To be loved

2008-02-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

I like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB3tSoWRP9c&NR=1

Afghanistan

2008-01-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

I recently discovered that I have a cousin who has been living in Afghanistan for the past four years. He was traveling through Columbus this past week and my family and I were able to meet with him and hear about the work he is doing. He started a charity there, Marigold Fund. He is doing amazing work....inculding helping to educate young girls, teaching deaf children, and various other projects. It was beautiful to hear him speak of his calling there and how the Lord is using him to impact lives.
Check out his site:
Marigold Fund

A few years back

2008-01-06T21:23:00.000-08:00

How strange, yet interesting and quite funny to read my old "livejournal". I feel like I have changed so much....yet I really haven't. If you went to IWU you might find some of my entries rather fun :)

http://amesltl.livejournal.com/

2008-01-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

I hope to see you soon, my friend.

Beautiful family

2007-11-17T21:52:00.000-08:00

My precious niece, Vera, on her 1st birthday. Isn't she a beauty?

My brother Tate, (and brother Brian next to him) reading his letter to Vera on her birthday. We were all teary eyed. What a big heart he has!

new friends

2007-11-09T20:46:00.000-08:00

It's that time again. I was surprised to see some comments. Oops, I forgot that maybe this does get read sometimes.

I realize that my updates are very sporadic and random in their content, sometimes I feel like sharing my heart and other times I just want people to know what is going on in my life. So I am not really sure what to say in this post, except I know I want to share something that is important to me, that I wish you could all be a part of.

This past february I visited a friend in Bloomington, Indiana. We had a wonderful weekend together, catching up on each others lives. Before I left on Sunday, she invited me to go to a homeless ministry run by IU students. When I left that ministry, I was teary eyed. It felt so good to be apart of something that I felt like I had been created for.

I came home and prayed to God that I could find something like that to be a part of here in Columbus. I have struggled this whole year with finding joy in my job, and I longed for something to be involved in where I could really thrive.

To make a long story short, this summer (a few months after that first prayer) I heard about Vineyard's Fruit of the Vine ministry. There is a part of the ministry that visits the homeless in various sites around Columbus twice a week. I showed up one Saturday, not sure what to expect, and have been involved ever since. I say this not with pride, but with joy. I am falling in love with these people. There are discouragements for sure, times where I feel very hopeless for them..and frustrated and angry at their addictions...but I am learning how to see God's love for them through it all. I am learning so much from them. They are real people with real stories. They are someone's mother, father, brother, sister. They are onry and hilarious...they are passionate...they have so much faith. I am learning that for me it is less about where I am in the world, but rather WHO I am. And who I am called to be. And I pray that I will fall in love with Christ more, so that my life reflects Him...and that those surrounded by this darkness that lives on these streets, will see the light.

Anyone want to come visit, and meet my new friends??

You are beautiful

2007-06-16T21:36:00.001-07:00

i crave fellowship and community with other believers like nothing else at times. and tonight it came, so unexpected, so beautiful. God, how could you bless me like that? i felt overwhelmed as i sat praying with them, i cried out to you with them. Lord, i don't deserve it, but you did it anyway.

put down your paper plate

2007-06-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

i miss you (shane & shane)

put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine

it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately i'm
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You

oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are

Tate

2007-05-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

My seven year old brother got sent to the office today for telling one of his friends about Jesus. Then they sent him to the guidance counselor so they could explain to him why it's wrong to say that Jesus is the one true God.

2007-04-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

life now

2007-02-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

i realized today i haven't written in awhile. i don't know if anyone reads this but i guess it's always good to process things. i came home from romania nearly a year ago, which seems very strange to me. i am still processing my life there, and i still think about it almost everyday. since college i feel like my life has become completely different. and i came home from romania full of thoughts and a changed perspective, as well as an engaged sister, a pregnant sister, i moved back in with my family, and found a job working with a boy who has autism. now my sister is married, i have a niece, i am working with toddlers at a preschool, and am living with friends.

romania was a lot of things for me. different than i expected. i was humbled in many ways. i realized that missions isn't what i thought it was....(this AMAZING experience where fruit is always visible and good things are always happening). it was more of a learning experience for me...learning how to obey even when i didn't see change, how to have faith even when God feels far away. how to love people that are really hard to love. how to love kids that didn't even seem to want to be loved (probably because they've never had someone who loved them). i am still learning what faith really is i guess. faith even when depression seeps in. how do you trust God when everything inside of you is screaming that he isn't there? how do you trust a God who allows a child to be beaten everyday? throughout all my doubt, hope is still there and it's growing. i am most encouraged by my friends who have suffered incredibly yet still love Jesus. like my friend from romania who grew up being abused physcially and verbally by her father each day, (who claimed to be a Christian). he told her he didn't love her because she wasn't a boy. he passed away a few years ago, but everyday she suffers because of the memories of things he said and did to her, and things that have left physical damage on her body. and she loves Jesus. wow. that does so much for me.

i work at a preschool now for wealthy children. how ironic. i feel like such a foreigner there sometimes. i have trouble seeing the perspectives of my co-workers. who is Christ calling me to be there? i struggle with judging people who are materialistic. i struggle with knowing how to love those people that are in my life now. i guess i am learning that Christ calls us to love everyone, not just the visibly broken. maybe through my realization of my weaknesses others will see that i am just like them....but i am trying to hold on to Jesus and they can too.

i don't think God is going to ask me to stay at this preschool for the rest of my life....i really think He is calling me to something different. but during this time of waiting......well.......... i will wait in hope for that.

break me once again

2005-10-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

how can it not break me? how can my heart be so numb that i can’t even cry out after seeing mentally handicapped children who are treated like animals moan and wail to get their share of the cookies we’ve brought? why won’t my heart cry out when i see children who lay in cribs all day, craving a kiss? and why didn’t i sob when i saw a fourteen year old girl, feet the size of a newborn, no taller than a 2 year old, who spends her life lying in a crib?

why wasn’t i furious when i heard about the 16 year old from the girls orphanage who was encouraged to have an abortion last week?

why are my eyes so dry when i see children who rock back and forth, longing for someone to hold them, for someone to love them?

God, why is my heart so hard? soften it, Father. break me once again.

romania update

2005-09-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

Buna! Ce Faci? (hi, how are you?)

It’s hard to believe that I have only been in Romania for a little over a week now. It seems as though so much has already happened!

My mom left on Saturday morning, after spending a full week with me here in Bucharest. It was wonderful to experience my first week here with her. Together we were able to visit some of the orphanages and spend time playing with the kids and just observing CTL’s ministry. My mom also had the chance one day to do some baby massage with the infants and special needs children in orphanage number six.
Number six is where I have spent the most time so far. CTL works with preschool age children and babies there as well as a few children with special needs. It can be difficult working with these kids, because they have little freedom to be individuals and free time to play. So when the CTL staff comes, they go wild! This can be difficult when they are trying to teach the kids different lessons, tell them a bible story, or just play a structured game. Also, there was one day when I spent time with the babies at number six. This was somewhat hard for me to see. The babies are kept in cribs in a few small rooms, one of which has a small carpet area to play on. But they don’t get a ton of time where they are held, touched, nurtured, and played with. Though this was sad to me, I don’t really feel as though the reality of it has hit me yet. In fact, most of this past week I have felt somewhat unemotional towards the things I have seen. I don’t want to be numb to this, because I believe it breaks the heart of God. Please pray that God would break me so that I might have passion to love the kids with His love.

Some of the other orphanages I have visited include an all girls orphanage (Chitila), an all boys orphanage (Number 10), a rehab hospital, a day care center (Tei) and an orphanage that has both older girls and boys (Number 7). I’ve also visited an apartment where about 6 or so kids live that are orphans and are supervised by orphanage workers. I don’t really feel like I have had the chance to connect individually with many of the kids, but I’m sure that will come in time. Some of you know me well and know that I really enjoy one-on-one interaction. I did get a chance to do a little of that today with the girls at number 7...we just sat in there room and chatted for awhile. I am excited especially to get to know some of the teen girls and hopefully have some deep conversations with them about their struggles and about the Hope that Christ offers.

I greatly appreciate all your prayers, and your emails with notes of encouragement! Some specific things you can pray for are:
Adjustment to the culture: Some things I am having trouble getting used to, especially the city life!
Passion for the ministry: I don’t feel as passionate yet as I would like to. Pray that I would set aside time with the Lord so I can grow closer to Him, and as a result have a heart like His for the children.
Hope admist the sadness: I have a feeling it’s going to be a struggle for me to have a hopeful heart here, just because there are so many needs for these kids. Especially as the weather changes (it’s getting cold already, and LOTS of rain!) I’ve been feeling a bit down these past couple days.
Spiritual Growth with the staff: Please pray that there would be spiritual openness and intimacy with the staff so that we can encourage one another. We have a retreat coming up Sept 29-30 that I am really excited about!
Comfort in God’s presence: My roommate is gone until Saturday, so things are quiet here at my apartment. It gets a bit lonely in the evenings! It’s hard not having someone to “process” things with. Pray that God would fill that void. I am looking forward to a possible “girls night” with some of the CTL girls in a few days!!! I have spent a lot of time with Madalina who is 25, and I feel like I can connect with her really well. We’ve had some great talks!

Thanks so much for faithfully lifting me up in prayer. I can’t thank you enough. May God bless you for it!
Isus te uibeste! (Jesus loves you!)

Romania

2005-08-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

In 9 days, i'll be leaving for romania.

for 6 months, i'll be spending time with babies, kids, and teens who have lived life without the blessing of a family of their own. sometimes i feel so inadequate to be the one to love them.

Father, won't you give me the strength to do it each day? won't you fill me up with your love to love on them? confirm in my heart that you have called me, and you will faithfully equip me for the task. do your work, Father.

and Lord, let me be like mary instead of martha. i want to sit at your feet in your presence as i prepare to leave, instead of worrying about so many details like martha. i give you control, Father. it will all come together in Your hands...and i know you will provide.

prayer

2005-08-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

May your world shake
Till the apathy falls out of your soul
May the emptiness grow
May you bleed; enough to know your broken
And long to be whole

Chorus:
May the fire consume you
Till the old self is destroyed
And there is room for new.
And may you cry, when you look upon sin
And may you die, to the life that you're in
May your heart break
Till it yields to the king
May you sing a new song

May the pleasures that this world offers never satisfy
May you hunger
till you taste bread of life
I pray you stumble
till you fall down on your knees
And in surrender, find victory

[Chorus]

May life bring tears
Enough to wash the clouds from your eyes
Enough that you cry a new song...

-Betsy Walker

2005-07-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

wow, it's amazing to me that it's already july 18th.
these past couple weeks have been so refreshing. it's amazing how God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. 2 weekends ago, i had a friday night wedding here in ohio (that was wonderfuly by the way) and then saturday morning i headed out to indiana for another wedding. robin and josh got married in crawfordsville, indiana. i loved their wedding..God was so present and everything was beautiful. it was also wonderful to see many many iwu friends...danika davies, christy sallee, adam thada, nate felt, kyle scott, kristen willey, megan weaver, paul kind, david scott, lindsay miller, emily hasen, danielle searl....and many more. i was able to get to know some people even better, and meet some new people as well.
then the weekend continued as i headed back to marion to spend a couple nights with danika on campus. this time it was weird to be back, spending the night on campus...realizing that my life as a student there is over, and it will never be the same. as much as i didn't enjoy marion during my time as a student, i realized how much i will miss it. and i realized how much i already miss having a community of believers surrounding me each day. it's not reality, though, and change is good. but it's hard. and i love fellowship. so it was good to get a little "dose" of it again. we hung out with nate, grant, and jeremiah....made a taco bell run, got a movie at family video...rode bikes, and just hung out. it felt like college all over again, and it was nice :) i happened to see jmak, and found out that he was moving out that very day. it was good to see him again. i took a walk around campus, and then got the chance to eat lunch with dr. lo and his wife. part of me wonders if i really will end up back in marion in the spring after romania. danika and i talked a lot about the huge need for ministry there. it's a thought...

then this past weekend, yet another wedding. alyson dittenber and seth kinley, both from iwu. it was fun to see more iwuers, and angie brecheisen came to spend the night here with me in columbus. we talked about life and changes and seasons and Gods leading....and the struggles of it all. it was good to talk and feel like we understood each other.

tonight i drove around arlington for an hour, with the windows and sunroof open, my favorite music playing, and a beautiful sunset. i drove down old wooded streets and explored places down by the river that i had never seen before, yet always wondered about. God used it to bring peace to my heart, just what i have really been lacking and longing for this summer.

thanks Lord :)

2005-07-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

aw, aren't my brothers cute?!

camp

2005-06-25T18:20:00.000-07:00

these past couple weeks i started up my job again as a counseler at camp hosanna, a day camp. it's an interesting job because each day is different than the day before, there is always random situations that come up or what not. on tuesday a girl in my group flipped over roller skating on our field trip and busted her chin open on the hardwood floor. that's been the most interesting thing that's happened so far. it was pretty bad, and her parents took her to the hospital to get seven stitches. i felt like i was gonna get sick when it happened, she skated over to me with blood gushing down her chin and it was all over her hands and clothes. it looked pretty bad and i panicked a bit. but it all worked out okay.

it's a daily struggle to remember that each day with these kids i have the opportunity to minister to them in so many ways. in the midst of trying to discipline them and control them, i want to remember to do whatever i can to show them Christ's love. i want them to know what life is really all about. but man, with these kids, it's much easier said then done. a lot of them have bad attitudes about being at camp all summer long because they have been coming to this camp for years. but i am finding that in the one on one moments i have with them, they open up so much more and are willing to hear what i have to say. Lord, help me to remember that just because i am still in ohio doesn't mean i'm not in the mission field.

in other news, i saw some iwu-ers today as i was in indiana for kurt beards wedding. josh fowler, ryan robertson, kevin wright, pat dearmond, and bethany chlasta. i went to high school with kurt also, so it was a good drive out there with high school friends and neat to get to catch up with college friends as well. 3 weddings down, 4 more to go. :)

2005-06-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

ElisaBeth, Me, Max and Joanna at the wedding

2005-06-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

Elaine and Jon

2005-06-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was a such a refreshing time with old friends. i went to elaine and jon's wedding, and got to spend the weekend with many iwu alums that i haven't seen in awhile, most of which graduated a year ago. i think God knew i just needed a time to have fun with old friends, and also a time to be encouraged by some of them who have experienced a year of the post college life and all the challenges yet exciting times that come with that. the wedding was beautiful, by the way. i think it was one of the most unique i have ever been to. here's a few pics..

2005-06-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

i've finally got a blog. well, i've had a "live journal" since right out of high school, basically to keep in touch with my friends at home. but now there's need for a one to keep in touch with all you iwu-ers. life is good, but challenging as well...i'll fill everyone in on it soon.