life now

i realized today i haven't written in awhile. i don't know if anyone reads this but i guess it's always good to process things. i came home from romania nearly a year ago, which seems very strange to me. i am still processing my life there, and i still think about it almost everyday. since college i feel like my life has become completely different. and i came home from romania full of thoughts and a changed perspective, as well as an engaged sister, a pregnant sister, i moved back in with my family, and found a job working with a boy who has autism. now my sister is married, i have a niece, i am working with toddlers at a preschool, and am living with friends.

romania was a lot of things for me. different than i expected. i was humbled in many ways. i realized that missions isn't what i thought it was....(this AMAZING experience where fruit is always visible and good things are always happening). it was more of a learning experience for me...learning how to obey even when i didn't see change, how to have faith even when God feels far away. how to love people that are really hard to love. how to love kids that didn't even seem to want to be loved (probably because they've never had someone who loved them). i am still learning what faith really is i guess. faith even when depression seeps in. how do you trust God when everything inside of you is screaming that he isn't there? how do you trust a God who allows a child to be beaten everyday? throughout all my doubt, hope is still there and it's growing. i am most encouraged by my friends who have suffered incredibly yet still love Jesus. like my friend from romania who grew up being abused physcially and verbally by her father each day, (who claimed to be a Christian). he told her he didn't love her because she wasn't a boy. he passed away a few years ago, but everyday she suffers because of the memories of things he said and did to her, and things that have left physical damage on her body. and she loves Jesus. wow. that does so much for me.

i work at a preschool now for wealthy children. how ironic. i feel like such a foreigner there sometimes. i have trouble seeing the perspectives of my co-workers. who is Christ calling me to be there? i struggle with judging people who are materialistic. i struggle with knowing how to love those people that are in my life now. i guess i am learning that Christ calls us to love everyone, not just the visibly broken. maybe through my realization of my weaknesses others will see that i am just like them....but i am trying to hold on to Jesus and they can too.

i don't think God is going to ask me to stay at this preschool for the rest of my life....i really think He is calling me to something different. but during this time of waiting......well.......... i will wait in hope for that.